"F"

Ever seen that grade before? I have... twice in one month. I currently am in a Statistics and Research class. It doesn't sound like math, does it? It is math and hard math. It is trying to use a part of my brain that is covered in cobwebs. I think that part of my brain needs a new battery because I can't seem to jumpstart it. Of course I take it personally..because it is my grade and a reflection of my performance. Last night I completed my last assignment in my class and right now my textbook is sitting in a black garbage bag on the curb outside waiting for that big green truck to take it away. It felt so good to throw that book away. I was so upset that I just had to sleep on it hoping the morning would bring enlightenment. Last night I just wanted to give up and quit everything. I hate not being able to understand everything. I hate that there are some things that no matter how hard I try, that I might never understand. It makes me realize how God is like that. We can never comprehend Him fully. He is wise, he is complex and knows abundantly more than our little brains can compute. Its okay to be a failure a something. It's okay to not know-it-all. That's God's job. He is the best at that.

Job 21:22
"Can anyone teach knowledge to God,
since he judges even the highest?"

Blue Lights

I got a speeding ticket yesterday. It was my first speeding ticket. I was preoccupied with my thoughts, late for a job interview, and a little eager to get there at lightning speed. The state trooper was in a great place, and there was no slowing down fast enough to fly under the radar gun. It was quite a big ticket, and I was in Brent's car fumbling to find registration, insurance and license. I feel bad..... I didn't pay attention, I hurried, and I got caught going too fast. Sometimes things find a way to confront you with a smack in the face. When the blue lights appear in your rear mirror there is nothing you can do but pull over and face the music. There is no choice or option, unless a high speed chase is your idea of fun. God does that sometimes, doesn't he? How many times have I gotten away with something and then BANG! I am confronted in my face with a situation that has to be dealt with in the moment. There is no later, but now.

Job 5:17-18
" But consider the joy of those corrected by God!
Do not despise the discipline of the Almighty when you sin.
For though he wounds, he also bandages.
He strikes, but his hands also heal."

Prayer

Today is a day of prayer. There are so many things that are going on right now in our lives and lives of friends and family. Crisis evokes prayer that should have been there without the crisis. I am constantly shamed that I find myself in deep prayer only when it seems the only option left. I pray today that I find that constant conversation with God that needs no crisis.

Thessalonians 5:16-18
" Rejoice evermore.
Pray without ceasing.
In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God
in Christ Jesus concerning you."

Pride

Dakota is so proud of her dad. Brent is her hero and the only one that does things right in her eyes. This weekend she helped Brent organize the garage and here they are basking in their accomplishment. It is a great feeling when someone is proud of you, when their joy is just sitting next to you or being in the same room with you. Children are God's gift in that way. Just when everything you do as a parent is wrong, it takes a little one looking at you with that "proud" look to bring you to a place of encouragement. I have learned to hold onto those moments, they only last for such a short time. Pride is a self-centered feeling, it has no room for others in its moment. It is very temporary and impossible to feel consistantly. When we become obsessed with making others proud of us, common sense and God fall in the background. In pride there is room for no one else. It is a gift to be enjoyed as a moment needed, a boost of energy for the soul, but to crave it daily will leave one empty and frustrated.
Psalm 131:1-3
" Lord, my heart is not proud;
my eyes are not haughty.
I don’t concern myself with matters too great
or too awesome for me to grasp.
Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself,
like a weaned child who no longer cries for its mother’s milk.
Yes, like a weaned child is my soul within me.
O Israel, put your hope in the Lord—
now and always."

Meltdown

Every had a meltdown? I felt that way this weekend. Sometimes the silliest things can make you come undone and then you find yourself in tears over something that isn't life-changing. I think we all have a stress meter that fills and fills until one little thing puts it over the edge and then we meltdown and release the stress and start all over again. That is how I operate. I am glad that God gives us release from stress. I am glad that sometimes it is okay to come undone and realize that we really need God. He doesn't get stressed out and we cannot put Him over the edge. He is constant and calm when we are not.

Psalms 6:6-9
" I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.

My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.

Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the LORD has heard my weeping.

The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;
the LORD accepts my prayer. "